Pete on Tour - Part 3: Singing the Blues
Loneliness - Returning To Performing Post Lockdown
Sometimes I feel alone. Not lonely, not that there’s no one around. I’m surrounded by good people, cast and colleagues. My close friends and loved ones, although they aren’t here directly, are only a phone call away. This morning I did the crossword with my parents over messenger video and that was lovely. I can only imagine how tough it is for most of my cast mates who have partners they can’t be with for 2 months.
What am I missing?
But for myself, sometimes it feels like I'm a little old, all alone in the world. Like everyone else gets it. Is grooving with life, being magnificent and it’s as if I’m missing something. Something hasn’t clicked and I’m just not in sync with everything and everyone else. A step behind, a worried thought away from some kind of flowing content or just over analysing everything, my own feelings good or bad, seeing things in looks, turns of phrases or behaviours that aren’t there. Creating my own misery:
“Look at how much fun they are having. I don’t have that right now. I’m some kind of outcast” and keeping myself separate from everyone and everything else. I’ve been feeling this a lot this week.
However, I have realised if I start to believe that voice, I’ll start to behave as if it’s true and if I behave like an outcast, like I’m separate, then people will treat me like that too. As much as I focus on the negative I must remind myself that I’ve had lots of moments of joy and connection with my fellow cast members. I cannot be defined by one experience, feeling or worry. I’m all of them good and bad up and down inside and out. And if I’m feeling like this, then probably other people are too. When I feel like this I turn to the words of Alan Watts.
So friends, to paraphrase Mr Watts
If you are feeling alone, insecure, disconnected or like you’re not it, remember this will pass, there’s no one thought or worry that is all of you! If you need proof, look at your body:
the way your brain works
how your blood circulates
how you manage to form a sentence,
how you manage to be conscious,
how you open and close your hand.
If your idea of yourself does not contain any of this then it is inadequate. The truth is you are the whole works of what there is, what there was and always will be. Only just as my whole body has a little nerve end in my finger exploring and contributing the sensation of touch. You are a nerve ending for the whole universe exploring itself.
You are as much an extraordinary phenomena of nature as mountains, clouds, the formations of the stars, the swirling of galaxies. You are just like that, there’s nothing wrong with you at all. Part of the flow of us is to feel like there is something wrong and that’s ok. You needn’t feel guilty because you feel guilty. But of course we do! Like someone puts a match on us so we feel hot. It’s not that we shouldn’t feel alone or guilty but that we should and don’t worry about it. And then if you can’t help feeling worried about it then ok worry about it! Go along with it and watch!
Hold yourself high, you beautiful thing, and I will too.
Hugs,
Pete x